Where do you doo doo?

So you don’t have an NYSC membership and you find yourself in a similar situation- gotta take a dump, don’t know where to go, need to go soon. Where do you doo doo??

For the past few years, I have been tweaking a new technique. In the good ‘ol days, you used to just be able to walk into a restaurant, cafe, bar or even a  bodega. But now, it seems the world has turned its back to us frequent dumpers. There really are no open doors for us. It’s all “Patrons Only” or “Not a Public Restroom” bla bla bla.

Soo, you must resort to this new technique. I’ll break it down into 2 easy steps:

1.Locate a Restaurant/Bar that has a decent amount of people (enough that you can blend into a crowd and not immediately be labeled the newcomer, but not too many that you may risk having to wait on line).

2. This step is two-fold:

If you are entering a restaurant, more often than not, a hostess will stop you and either ask to take a reservation, or ask if you are here to meet someone. In the interest of time, it is much easier to say that you are meeting people. Make a concerted effort to scan the back area of the establishment- act like you are REALLY looking for someone. I find the best way to do this is to choose someone (near the bathroom but not right next to it, if you can locate it) and pretend you know that person. If you do a good job, you’re home free and the hostess will be more than happy to allow you in- if it’s a real emergency, sometimes you can push it a little further and ask where the restroom is…

If you are entering a bar, more often than not, a bouncer will stop you. Obviously show him your ID and enter. From here, I like to play it safe. Go to the bar area and kind of stand around for a second to blend in- make it seem like you are deciding whether or not to get another drink, or hit the restroom. If you just dart into the restroom upon entering, you are risking the possibility that either the bouncer will identify what you are doing, or the bartender will grow suspicious and seek the bouncer’s opinion.

3. Making an exit- at this point, who really cares. You did what you had to do, now just get the heck out of there. I’ve been stopped numerous times on my way out, but really, what are they going to doo doo??